Waterworld

You would think people would be outraged. You would think they would be disgusted. You would think somebody would be making money off of it.

The word on the street is that the essence of life, water, for 41 million Americans is swimming in pharmaceuticals, from antibiotics, to sex hormones, to mood stabilizers, and everything in between.

That we’re so drugged as a nation that it’s showing up in our drinking water speaks volumes. Consider the process: you take the pill, your body absorbs most of the medicine, you pee out the excess, the water goes to the treatment plant, it’s treated, then it gets sent back to us through our taps, our showers, and our toilets. This means we’re taking so many drugs that there’s enough left over to escape filtering systems and make it back to our drinking water. Common sense says this will only increase–with more and more people taking drugs and no escape route, it’s inevitable that the levels of these pharmaceuticals are going to increase. It’s a perpetual cycle with no end in sight.

What’s interesting is that you can get an idea for the woes of the people in a city just by looking at its water. Philadelphia’s water is tainted with medicine for high cholesterol, along with 56 other foreign substances. Lots of people wolfing down cheesesteaks. San Francisco’s water has a sex hormone floating in it. Lots of people struggling with gender issues. Southern California’s water has residue of medicine for epilepsy and anxiety. Lots of people freaking out.

The drug companies should see this as a probortunity (a problem that can be turned into an opportunity). Vitamin Water, the colored water that has vitamins in it, has been a success. They have bottles called “Charge” and “XXX” and “Defense,” each with a different type of vitamin to get the buzz you’re craving. The drug companies should follow suit. The drug companies should have water that lowers cholesterol, eases anxiety, and changes your sex on command (for male to female the label could be blue and the water pink, reverse the colors for the reverse effect). Wouldn’t this be better than taking pills a few times a day? Plus, you have to drink a lot of water when you take medicine anyway. Why not just put the two together with some corn syrup and food coloring?

The drug companies are going to have to act fast if they’re going to make a profit, though. With no end in sight to the pharmaceutical water supply, it’s only a matter of time until people start getting a free buzz off tap water. Clever people will vacation in cities with the right type of water pollution. High cholesterol? Go to Philadelphia and drink the water. Want a sex change? San Francisco is beautiful in the spring. Longer-lasting erections? Well, you get the idea.

And they say to watch the water in Mexico.